Your friends and relations want to know what you want, and you really need to come up with a list. After all, you've already got enough "whiskey stones" to repave the driveway, and enough JD BBQ sauce to cover a blue whale.
Well, we at Crackers in Whiskeyland (located just south of the North Pole, on decidedly thin ice) are here to help. Our crack team of webcrawlers spent the entire morning (except for ten minutes when he had to help a pesky customer) plugging improbable combinations into Google and analyzing the output. We think we've come up with some selections that should please even the most jaded whiskeyphile.
Half a Bottle of Whiskey Bumper Sticker - $5 from Cafe Press
Nothing perks up a vehicle more than an amusing bumper sticker (not to mention enhancing the resale value) and this one is bound to elicit friendly responses from fellow motorists. In fact, that one behind you is flashing festive red and blue lights...oh wait...better pull over...hopefully he won't spot your...
Got Bourbon? Tote Bag - $18 from Cafe Press
He's not going to take your word that it's just groceries, so you'll just have to let him examine the contents. After he's found nothing but Fruit Loops, Twizzlers and liter sized bottles of YooHoo, he'll still probably want to see your driver's license, so you'll need to reach for your...
"Let's Get Hammered" Wallet - $34.50 from Cafe Press
If he hasn't already decided to give you a breathalyzer test, he will now!
Bourbon Thong Panties - $12.50 from Cafe Press
Just the thing for the little lady in your life! (or not so little - available in Size 12). The question is: how do you eat bourbon? Add mass quantities of Sure Gel? The only way this will make any sense is if you can convince her to change her name to "Bourbon". Good luck with that.
Scotch Whisky Aroma Kit - $150 from Scotchwhisky.net
You say you just don't get Scotch. Don't pick up any of those subtle aromas described by Hansell, Murray and company? Then this is the sure cure for your malt-challenged proboscis. Those with a particular interest in Islay malts will be pleased to learn that included are "Rotting Seaweed", "Seagull Poop", "Dead Mackerel" and "Rancid Iodine".
Fee's Pickle Brine - $6.95 from Barsupplies.com
You're a hip urban sophisticate, so you already know that the "pickleback" is all the rage. You want to be able to make 'em at home, but it's such a pain having to buy all those jars of pickles just to get the brine (not to mention that you have no idea what to do with the pickles). Fee's Brothers has the solution! Keep this 4/5 pint (huh?) bottle handy and you'll always have a ready chaser for that shot of PVW 20.
Whiskey the Clown mask - $37.95 from Costumes4less
Now you're all set for your neighbor's big annual holiday costume ball. Of course, if they greet you with, "Oh, you came as yourself," then it's probably time to call the local AA chapter and inquire about the next meeting.
Scotch & Water Pet Dish - $20 from Cafe Press
Getting tired of Old Blue's annoying habit of barking at his reflection in that stainless steel bowl? Chuck that chunk of scrap metal and get him one of these. Fill it with water, add a few drops of yellow food coloring, and your guests will be wondering. Could that really be Scotch? Is it single malt? If not, should we report him to the SPCA? If so, I wonder if I could sneak a sip? Is anyone watching?
Irish Whiskey Cheese - $21.99 (was $29.99) from Figi's
Mmmmm..."delightfully enhanced with the finest single malt Kilbeggan Whiskey". Having just read a post from someone who'd just tried some Kilbeggan and reported "this bottle might end up down the drain," I have to wonder if this represents an effort to get rid of a bad batch, as in, "Oh what'll we do with this, now? Ah, we'll be mixing it with cheese and selling it to the Americans! They'll buy anything, they will!"
Flashing Whiskey Glass - $4.75 from Amazon
Bourbon is brown and, let's face it, brown is so...beige. Get a set of these and you've got a party in your glass! Multicolored LEDs add a visual element to the aroma and taste of your favorite whiskey. Who needs a Christmas tree when you've got this?
Jack Daniels Gumball Machine - $98.50 from Amazon
A stylish addition to any room of the house, and functional too. Fill with Koppers Chocolate Whiskey Cordials and you're set. Just the thing for guests with children; they'll form associations that will guide them well in adulthood. It's a Good Thing.
Carpe Bourbon Yard Sign - $19 from Cafe Press
Put one of these in your front yard and the whole neighborhood will be talking! Maybe they'll even forget about you being on the Sex Offenders Registry.
So, if you've been Nice this year perhaps you'll find a number of these items under the tree. Christmas evening you could be sitting in your easy chair, with a couple of flashing whiskey glasses on the end table by your side, one filled with PVW 20 and the other with Fee's Pickle Brine. Curled up next to you is Miss Bourbon, and you know what she's wearing under that nightgown. Through the front window comes a joyful noise and a warm glow...yes, it's the Home Owners Association burning down your sign.
Truly, could it get any better?
This has been a drive by posting by the least loved member of SB.com!