<u><big>CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE</big></u>
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup butter
1 bottle fine Bourbon whiskey
Sample the Bourbon to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the Bourbon again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the Bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in that cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Bourbon to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the Bourbon. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table... Spoon... Of sugar... Or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat up the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the Bourbon again and go to bed.
WARNING! The Surgeon General has determined that this recipe should not be attempted if you are pregnant, or expect to become pregnant, perhaps as an indirect result of making this recipe. Remember, September is traditionally the number one month for births; do the math.