what to do with awful bourbon

[LikeItWasSodaPop]

I'm new, so my journey is bound to be occasionally derailed by embarrassing purchases. Thanks to this forum, I've learned a lot, and purchased some great bottles I'm only starting to comprehend.

I was a bit naive about KBD when I first started ... found an old bottle of theirs at a store that had been closed for a few years and then re-opened under new management. It's 10 years old and in a different bottle than the current one (usually a sign of something potentially interesting). So it seemed like pretty good buy for under $20.

O sweet lord in heaven above this is the worst nastiest offensively awful crap that has ever befouled my tongue. It's so bad, I feel I need to do penance, apologize to my ancestors, maybe go to a monestary to atone, self-flagellate, fast and not speak to another human for a few years ... I feel my body has been defiled by allowing this vile juice to pass through it.

Every few weeks I pour a small glass, just hoping that my initial impulses were wrong ... that there was something I just didn't "get." But NO. This stuff is so bad my throat constricts at the smell of it. My stomach starts to riot, as if to say, "That evil garbage is coming back up if you do me the great disrespect of pouring that vile spirit into me." Perhaps this is bourbon infused with cancer. Bourbon infused with hate?

I feel as if I have a cursed talisman in my house, that evil will befall me and those I love if I don't dispose of this accursed liquid in the proper way. I worry that I may be living in an 80's horror movie, that some evil creature may be incubating in this bottle, or may be, perhaps, growing inside ME, as I write this.

I guess I could pour it on the grave of an enemy, but don't really have enemies, living or dead, so that's out. I could keep it around as a conversation piece or to use as a "test" to see if my friends can tell the good from the evil. But I worry that it's accursed energy will attract other evil spirits (pun totally intended) and may endanger my loved ones.

I could pour it down the drain, but somehow that isn't a fitting enough condemnation of the awfulness of this bourbon. Damn, I feel bad even calling it "bourbon." I want to pour it into a volcano, or launch it into the sun.

Yes, it really is that BAD.

Any ideas re: how to DESTROY this evil juice?

J

[CorvallisCracker]

Do you have in-laws? Do they ever visit?

[callmeox]

Bring it to the gazebo

Put the bottle on the table

Stand back

Observe

Mentioning the bottle loudly in the gazebo is also known to drum up business and the action is self perpetuating. Those sucked in to the gazebo hype will turn face and lure others to sample it to share the joke.

This phenomenon has also been observed with really stinky cheeses and specific 'hobo' type vattings involving gazebo leftovers or rendered animal parts, though YMMV.

[White Dog]

Which bottling is it?

[stevegoz]

Any ideas re: how to DESTROY this evil juice?

J

With flame. Under close adult supervision. :hot:

[bgageus]

My wife has Punch recipe for just such an occasion.

2c. Bourbon

2c. Cream Sherry

2L Ginger Ale

Bitters

Lemon Juice

Serve to the inlaws.

[Parkersback]

My wife has Punch recipe for just such an occasion.

2c. Bourbon

2c. Cream Sherry

2L Ginger Ale

Bitters

Lemon Juice

Serve to the inlaws.

That sounds very good.

[Enoch]

I take it to a party of people I really don't like and tell them it costs $50 and watch them ooh and aah over it as they drink it.

[cowdery]

I've never pitched bourbon. It's just not in me. But I had a bottle of probably the same stuff (sounds the same) that hung around forever. Its problem was too much wood so I tried mixing it with some whiskeys that were too young. Not a great solution but got rid of some of it. Water, ice, and ginger ale all help. Don't try something like a manhattan or whiskey sour, unless you're curious what a bad manhattan or bad whiskey sour tastes like.

Problem is, even if you can mask the taste, you still know you're drinking bad whiskey.

[MarkEdwards]

Save it until November and use it as an eggnog mixer.

[CorvallisCracker]

Which bottling is it?

[ViperGlock]

Just pour it out and be done with it.

[Gillman]

I don't think the brand was mentioned. Some of the brands have, or have had, a unique profile. Pure XO to me has always had an intriguing combination of young and old flavours, as if you scorched some young fresh corn on the barbeque - it's a taste I enjoy, but I don't know if that was the one.

I've never had a bourbon, unless afflicted with cork taint, that you couldn't blend with one or two others to form an excellent drink on its own, with Coke or in a Manhattan. I'd try some blending or cocktail treatment.

Gary

[unclebunk]

I've never had a bourbon, unless afflicted with cork taint, that you couldn't blend with one or two others to form an excellent drink on its own, with Coke or in a Manhattan. I'd try some blending or cocktail treatment.

That's my suggestion too, though even a large helping of Coke didn't help my bottle of Old Bardstown much. Pure crap, that one.

[SBOmarc]

Use it in a marinade or as a substitute for vanilla extract.

[kickert]

Wow! Go ahead and tell us how you really feel about this bourbon. I would hate for you to hold back!:slappin:

[Rughi]

Well, he hasn't signed on again since the OP to tell us more about what he was talking about. I'm beginning to think he may have gotten something that he didn't care for, but this was really about being a creative writing exercise.

Roger

[HP12]

Use it in a marinade or as a substitute for vanilla extract.

[steeltownbbq]

Cook it down with some real maple syrup and a pinch of brown sugar until it thickens a bit and serve while still warm over ice cream.

or...

use to baste chicken or meat on the grill. If you do this after dark, the flames will impress your guests...and if you are lucky you won't taste the crappy bourbon.

--legal disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for burns and other injuries if you try to taste the syrup while it is still hot or otherwise flambe yourself.

[SBOmarc]

Cook it down with some real maple syrup and a pinch of brown sugar until it thickens a bit and serve while still warm over ice cream.

or...

use to baste chicken or meat on the grill. If you do this after dark, the flames will impress your guests...and if you are lucky you won't taste the crappy bourbon.

--legal disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for burns and other injuries if you try to taste the syrup while it is still hot or otherwise flambe yourself.

Listen closely to what this says. He speaks truth!

[trumpstylz]

Spent all that time and wrote all that and never gave it a name? I'm intrigued.

[HP12]

Bourbon Banana's Foster. Simple, impressive and delicious.

[Dramiel McHinson]

Bourbon, if of sufficient proof, is an excellent survival tool. For the stuff you won't miss;

Fire starter, fire restarter, cologne, antiseptic, mouth wash/gargle for sore throat, label glue remover, lamp oil, oven or grill degreaser, gun cleaner, disinfectant, toilet bowl cleaner, grout cleaner, glass cleaner, garbage disposal sanitizer, bean soaker, rice soaker, hemorrhoid treatment, chigger/redbug/tick bite treatment, toe jam remover, tooth brush cleaner, crayon remover, clothes stain remover, place a toilet paper roll in a metal coffee can or large food tin then pour the whiskey over the toilet paper and light. Cooking Stove, space heater, area light, bug and bogey man repellent, wife repellent, kids repellent, parent repellent, humanity in general repellent, Place the whiskey in a two-liter plastic bottle then affix a mustard bottle nozzle on top, now you have a poor man's flame thrower, charcoal lighter, garden grass remover, ant hill mitigation device, fired brass cleaner, barbecue sauce base, outhouse air freshener, pit bull tamer, hand sanitizer.

These are just a few of the things you can do in a pinch with that unsavory bottle of bourbon.

[ratcheer]

I would like to add a quote from an article I read in Playboy magazine about 45 years ago. Actually, it is a quote of a quote from someone far back in Scottish history, and the original was written in Gealic, which I will not attempt to reproduce.

"There's whiskey, and there's good whiskey, but there's no bad whiskey."

Tim

[Brisko]

I would like to add a quote from an article I read in Playboy magazine about 45 years ago. Actually, it is a quote of a quote from someone far back in Scottish history, and the original was written in Gealic, which I will not attempt to reproduce.

"There's whiskey, and there's good whiskey, but there's no bad whiskey."

Tim

There's a corollary to this, too: there is no such thing as bad whiskey-- some of it is just overpriced.