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View Full Version : Harlen's new (fake) Pappy confessions



BarrelChar
04-01-2012, 02:51
It's clear some foks here don't care that the Van Winkles misrepresented their products. This perplexed me, so in the spirit of April 1st, I decided to create an alternate bourbon universe and restart the thread:

Top 5 List of (Fake) Harlen Wheatley Confessions:

1) "BT doesn't distill any whiskey, we buy it in bulk from KBD. Our 'White Dog Mash' is actually just Rain Vodka."
2) "We sold our remaining Stitzel-Weller barrels to Beam which got bottled as Red Stag Black Cherry."
3) "The 'Van Winkles' don't actually exist. They're just two local actors we pay to show up at photo shoots and industry conventions. Also, the Old Rip 23 Decanter was just regular Rebel Yell with a different label and fancier bottle."
4) "Only one blogger knew that PVW20 & VWFRR were 100% BT juice: Chuck Cowdery. We secured his sworn silence by sending him a free case of Julian's unused mustache cream."
5) "BT sells 95% of our Pappy bottles using sockpuppet accounts on eBay. We split the profits with the ATF."

Top 5 (Fake) Responses From Indifferent/Apologist SB Members:

1) "Old Charter isn't old. Ancient Age isn't ancient. Eagle Rare isn't rare. And Ridgemont 1792 wasn't actually distilled in 1792. As you can see, BT already exaggerates. So who cares if the Van Winkles fibbed about Pappy being SW?"

2) "All that matters is that I like the taste. Heck, my wife is always telling me that I shouldn't keep eating rat poison pellets as a breakfast cereal. But who is she to judge my palate? It's silly to obsess over ingredients."

3) "It's our fault for believing the Van Winkles. After all, there's no ATF regulation against blatantly lying on a bourbon message board. It's not like they tried to ship their interstate lies through the post office."

4) "Hey, I totally suspected PVW20 was BT all along. I just didn't tell anyone here because I worried they'd say it aloud five times in a mirror and awaken a zombie serial killer like in the movie 'Candyman.'"

5) "Why are you so obsessed with the Van Winkles? It's profitable to create myths, just like the world's major religions. I'd much rather the Van Winkles lie about their sources than say nothing at all like Kulsveens at KBD; those kinds of sins are unforgivable."

JayMonster
04-01-2012, 06:30
5 more marketing scandals uncovered by Harlen

Cavemen actually can't figure out how to order car insurance from Geico

Mikey doesn't actually like Life cereal

Polar Bears don't actually drink Coca-Cola

Budweiser isn't actually the King of Beers

Keebler cookies aren't really made in a tree by elves

mosugoji64
04-01-2012, 10:06
Keebler cookies aren't really made in a tree by elves

whatwhatWHAT?!?!

Jonny.Applebury
04-01-2012, 11:11
You made me laugh, BarrelChar. Thanks!

Bmac
04-01-2012, 20:08
You made me laugh, BarrelChar. Thanks!

Echoing the same thoughts. :slappin:

ILLfarmboy
04-01-2012, 20:16
AWSOME................... Char

Just for shits and giggles you should do a search on posts by Chuck Cowdery on Templeton Rye and juxtapose his attitude there with his regarding PVW.............:grin:

A lot of "read my lips" kinda stuff.........